...Like the Ghosts of My Past...

It hovers over me, a dense fog that clouds my vision and my judgment.  A never ending darkness that confines me and absorbs all of the light that used to guide me.  It consumes all of the happiness and leaves only emptiness, pain and sadness.  I forge ahead through the haze, one small step at a time in the hopes of not falling and ending up crawling on my knees on the cold, hard ground.  The fog conceals the anguish that engrosses me.  It surrounds and smothers me as I try to stumble my way forward.  I grasp for any object that can help ground me and hold me up.  I claw at emptiness, reaching for something…anything but not knowing where to turn.  I’m walking through the murkiness and a somber rain begins to fall, increasing the darkness with a cold, dull, numbing ache.  I feel sick, nausea wells up and I take a deep breath trying to calm the anxiety and panic that overwhelm me.

It’s a long, dark tunnel with no end in sight.  Where is the light that usually shines the way to the end?  Why can’t I see it when I am usually able to do so?  Why does the darkness surround me no matter what I do?  The tunnel seems to narrow.  Cold, wet concrete envelops and suffocates me and I cry out for help.  Yet no sound comes out, it’s a silent cry that seems to echo in my head and haunt me.  It taunts me with desire of relief.  I pound the walls with my fists to no avail.  The sound echoes throughout like the ghosts of my past.  I’m alone, cold and scared.  I keep walking in the dark, hoping to find the end of the tunnel.  I pick up the pace, the pounding of my feet like thunder in my ears.  It drowns out the silent screams in my head as I run toward what I can only hope is the end of the tunnel and doesn’t take me deeper into the desolate darkness. 

I’m treading water in a cold, dark ocean.  Drowning in my own despair.  It’s all I can do to keep my head above the waves that batter me with their stinging, harsh reality.  Just like the waves, my emotions swell up and down with the changing tides.  There is no shore in sight, just a never ending sea of pain.  My feet crave to be on solid ground again, to feel the sand between my toes.  Instead the full fury of Poseidon’s playground crashes into me…wave after wave.  My salty tears fall down my face, blending into the ocean that tries to overtake me.  I’m running out of strength to hold my head up.  I slip under the darkness and begin to sink.  My lungs scream at me for air.  I kick upward with every ounce of energy left in me and burst back into the bitter, briny air.  I take a deep breath, roll onto my back and float on waves of sorrow.  Waves that just tried to drown me with their fierce anguish.  I try to catch my breath.

It never ends.  There is a constant cry stuck in the back of my throat.  Love, not time heals all wounds.  I have time…too much, it seems.  I try to surround myself with the love in my life.  Friends.  Family.  Dog.  Things that build me up instead of breaking me down.  The thoughts in my mind do enough of that for me right now.  I need ataraxia.  I need to be free of all of the pain, sadness, loneliness, emptiness and fear but I haven’t figured out how to let go of it all yet.  There are moments of clarity, moments of happiness, moments of strength, but they are fleeting and few and far between.  I need to find a place of hope and happiness.  A place where the sun shines and the colors of fall blind me with their breathtaking beauty.  A place that radiates with happiness, perseverance and strength…