...Like the Ghosts of My Past...

It hovers over me, a dense fog that clouds my vision and my judgment.  A never ending darkness that confines me and absorbs all of the light that used to guide me.  It consumes all of the happiness and leaves only emptiness, pain and sadness.  I forge ahead through the haze, one small step at a time in the hopes of not falling and ending up crawling on my knees on the cold, hard ground.  The fog conceals the anguish that engrosses me.  It surrounds and smothers me as I try to stumble my way forward.  I grasp for any object that can help ground me and hold me up.  I claw at emptiness, reaching for something…anything but not knowing where to turn.  I’m walking through the murkiness and a somber rain begins to fall, increasing the darkness with a cold, dull, numbing ache.  I feel sick, nausea wells up and I take a deep breath trying to calm the anxiety and panic that overwhelm me.

It’s a long, dark tunnel with no end in sight.  Where is the light that usually shines the way to the end?  Why can’t I see it when I am usually able to do so?  Why does the darkness surround me no matter what I do?  The tunnel seems to narrow.  Cold, wet concrete envelops and suffocates me and I cry out for help.  Yet no sound comes out, it’s a silent cry that seems to echo in my head and haunt me.  It taunts me with desire of relief.  I pound the walls with my fists to no avail.  The sound echoes throughout like the ghosts of my past.  I’m alone, cold and scared.  I keep walking in the dark, hoping to find the end of the tunnel.  I pick up the pace, the pounding of my feet like thunder in my ears.  It drowns out the silent screams in my head as I run toward what I can only hope is the end of the tunnel and doesn’t take me deeper into the desolate darkness. 

I’m treading water in a cold, dark ocean.  Drowning in my own despair.  It’s all I can do to keep my head above the waves that batter me with their stinging, harsh reality.  Just like the waves, my emotions swell up and down with the changing tides.  There is no shore in sight, just a never ending sea of pain.  My feet crave to be on solid ground again, to feel the sand between my toes.  Instead the full fury of Poseidon’s playground crashes into me…wave after wave.  My salty tears fall down my face, blending into the ocean that tries to overtake me.  I’m running out of strength to hold my head up.  I slip under the darkness and begin to sink.  My lungs scream at me for air.  I kick upward with every ounce of energy left in me and burst back into the bitter, briny air.  I take a deep breath, roll onto my back and float on waves of sorrow.  Waves that just tried to drown me with their fierce anguish.  I try to catch my breath.

It never ends.  There is a constant cry stuck in the back of my throat.  Love, not time heals all wounds.  I have time…too much, it seems.  I try to surround myself with the love in my life.  Friends.  Family.  Dog.  Things that build me up instead of breaking me down.  The thoughts in my mind do enough of that for me right now.  I need ataraxia.  I need to be free of all of the pain, sadness, loneliness, emptiness and fear but I haven’t figured out how to let go of it all yet.  There are moments of clarity, moments of happiness, moments of strength, but they are fleeting and few and far between.  I need to find a place of hope and happiness.  A place where the sun shines and the colors of fall blind me with their breathtaking beauty.  A place that radiates with happiness, perseverance and strength…

The Path

She has been walking this path,

For some time now alone,

And with every step she takes,

She realizes she has grown.

Into what she doesn’t know,

She can only hope to see,

That this lonely path,

May someday turn into ecstasy.

Life is what you make it,

And every day is a gift,

She only hopes to walk straight,

And not start to drift.

She knows what she wants,

And sees everyday,

That life isn’t always so easy,

To her own dismay.

She continues down the path,

With her head held high,

Trying to stay positive,

Without a tear to cry.

Life is a roller coaster,

An ever winding path,

Yet she can’t seem to get away,

From the sadness and the wrath.

She pretends to be alright,

She hides her fears,

But things aren’t always,

As they seem to appear.

She knows that she is loved,

Her friends and family all care,

Yet this burden she carries,

She can hardly bear.

  She just wants to go back,

To the days of smiles,

Yet she knows that ahead,

Are only more trials.

That’s what life is about,

It’s only a short ride,

And she wants to make sure,

She does nothing but try.

Try to be a better friend,

A better person in this life,

Yet she feels all she gets in return,

Is nothing but strife.

Trying to make life easier,

For everyone around,

Yet she feels as though,

She still might drown.

She pushes away the pain,

She hides what’s inside,

Even though she feels,

As if she’s already died.

Why can’t it be easy,

Why is everything so hard?

It leaves her weak and vulnerable,

And her heart has been scarred.

Yet she embraces the pain,

She learns from it all,

She refuses to give up,

She picks herself up when she falls.

It’s all she can do,

To keep taking it day by day,

To look up to the heavens,

And silently pray.

Pray for happiness,

Pray for love,

And hope that someone is listening,

From the heavens above.

The path sometimes dips down,

Before climbing back to the top,

She prays for the strength,

To climb without having to stop.

It’s worth the effort,

This long and arduous trail,

She just hopes she can make it,

At the top she will prevail.

The Lake

A little tiny piece,

Of my heart broke today,

It will go with you,

As you fly away.

You’re flying out of my life,

Just as sudden as you flew in,

And I can’t help but feel,

This deep sadness within.

My calm lake is now a storm,

The waves crash on the shore,

And I can’t help but remember,

What it was like before.

It used to be serene,

All of my ducks floating along,

I never thought I’d feel,

As if I didn’t belong.

So many birds,

Have flown away from their home,

Now I’m floating on my lake,

Lost and alone.

What used to be my refuge,

My shelter from the storm,

Has now been blown away,

And completely transformed.

The storm rips across the water,

Demolishing everything in its path,

What did I ever do,

To deserve this wrath?

It’s bleak and dreary,

The water is dark and cold,

I can’t even imagine,

How my life will unfold.

The clouds begin to part,

A ray of sun shines down,

It helps to lift,

My omnipresent frown.

 

Some of my ducks return,

For the calm after the storm,

And bask in the sun,

To keep their feathers warm.

My smile returns,

For those who made it home,

Safely from their travels,

Wherever they have roamed.

The fog starts to lift,

The sun shines bright,

If only I could protect myself,

From the dark and lonely night.

I tuck my head in my wing,

To hide my falling tears,

Ashamed to let everyone see,

My weakness and my fears.

I float along,

Basking in the rays,

Pretending to be happy,

As we sadly part ways.

This isn’t the end,

I will persevere,

As I continue to explore,

This unknown frontier.

Choices

Sometimes you win,
Sometimes you lose,
Either way,
The choice is up to you.

To fall into the dark,
Or look towards the light,
To let go and drown,
Or stand up and fight.

Sometimes the darkness,
Pounds your soul like rain,
And you can’t help but feel,
The sorrow and the pain.

I let the rain pour over me,
Let it wash away my tears,
Hoping it will also,
Help to ease my fears.

Then the rain slows,
The clouds begin to part,
It helps to lighten,
The burden in my heart.

I keep forging ahead,
It’s all I can do,
Holding my head high,
Just trying to make it through.

A ray of sun shines down,
I lift my head to the sky,
I take a deep breath,
And exhale with a sigh.

I keep on walking,
Through the sun and the rain,
Even if I don’t understand,
Or can begin to explain.

I keep on moving,
Push the darkness aside,
I get up when I fall,
Stronger with every tear I’ve cried.

It’s time to get angry,
To burn with desire,
To push ahead,
And feed my fire.

I will stay strong,
I’ll keep the positivity flowing,
Hold my head up high,
And keep my soul glowing.

There’s a light up ahead,
I am curious to see,
If it may somehow lead,
To a joyous destiny.